04 May Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES

dir. George Lucas, starring Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, et. al

There’s nothing wrong with a bad movie; with the number of movies Hollywood alone cranks out each year, there’s bound to be stories that are duds, it’s a numbers game. Conversely, long movies aren’t bad either: long movies give the audience enough time to immerse themselves in the world and be swept along on grand epics that give characters the opportunity to be mined and explored.

So, what do you do when you get a long, bad movie?

That’s the heart of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the sequel to 1999’s Phantom Meance and the middle part of the prequel trilogy. While act 2 of a three-act play tends at times to be ‘the slog,’ George Lucas told the world to hold his blue milk and set out to make the most boring, meandering film that narratively has the same excitement as tending a moisture farm.

Set ten years after Episode I, where seemingly, only one character has actually aged, the notorious Count Dooku attempts to assassinate Senator Amidala when she arrives at Coruscant to negotiate with the Separatist movement spearheaded by Dooku. At Chancellor Palpatine’s behest, the Jedi Order assign Jedis Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice Anakin Sywalker to protect her and investigate. As the mystery unravels, Obi-Wan is tasked with hunting down the arbiter of yet another assassination attempt while Padme flees back to Naboo with Anakin in tow.

From an in-world perspective, that’s where everything that leads to the entire Star War stems from, this separation of Obi-wan and Anakin. Free from Obi-Wan’s grasp, Anakin is able to lust creepily after Padme, who doesn’t like it and then does because the plot demands it. That apparent time together is enough for them to fall in love and the rest, as they say, happened a long time ago. Obi-Wan discovers the clone army that after dozens of viewings I’m still not 100% sure on who ordered the creation of. He also discovers Jango Fett, father of the franchise-loved Bobba Fett. After a confrontation between the two above Geonosis, Obi-Wan is captured by Dooku who in James Bond fashion (you see, because Christopher Lee was also a Bond villain, so I’m proud of that phrase) details his plan and urges Obi-Wan to join him. Anakin, after discovering his mother has been kidnapped on Tatooine, decides to commit a little light murder before he and Padme rush to save Obi-Wan. The third act is a CGI mess that gives us the highly anticipated and highly rewarded Yoda fight scene fans had been craving, and Anakin’s eventual secret marriage to Padme.

Starring Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker, casual murderer of Tusken Raiders, Attack of the Clones is a disservice to his acting abilities. We know they exist; Christensen was nominated for a Golden Globe for his work on 2001’s Life as a House. Yet here, given little direction and a script filled with cliche dialogue, Christensen was doomed to fail. His chemistry with Ewan McGregor is better than it is with Natalie Portman, his supposed love interest. From his first scene, Christensen’s Anakin leers over Padme, immediately giving off strong bro vibes. His performance in Revenge of the Sith would thankfully improve, but with the obstacles presented in front of him (again, no direction, bad script, and not even given a real environment with which to interact with due to Lucas’ vfx obsession), Christensen has no choice but to stumble out of the gate.

Reprising her role as Senator Padme Amidala, Natalie Portman is visibly struggling with the bad dialogue. An actress of immense talents, who thankfully went on to deliver knockout performances, Portman is just as cut off at the knees as Christensen is. Still, she endures a fair bit better than he does, managing to deliver some decent line readings. Padme’s role as influencer is a bit more diminished in this film until the end of the second act, and even then, her decision to head to Geonosis turns out to be a mission of failure. It’s unfortunate that Padme’s overall role falls from headstrong leader willing to endanger herself to protect her people to being just another pawn in Palpy’s schemes to manipulate Anakin, but Portman still handles the role with grace.

The only person definitely having fun in this movie is Ewan McGregor, returning as a now bearded Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin’s friend and mentor. With Liam Neesons no longer on hand, and the focus of Revenge of the Sith being the relationship between Anakin and Palpatine, it’s the middle movie where he gets to thrive in a sea of otherwise bland performances. McGregor is more than up to the task, fully coming into the role and creating a legacy for himself that doesn’t have to live in the shadow of Alec Guinness. With him on his own solo mission for the film’s second act, it’s easy to see why fans were clamoring for more of him, with their wishes granted by the upcoming Disney+ show.

With the main selling point of the movie being the bond between Anakin and Obi-Wan, George Lucas admittedly did an amazing job displaying the complex relationship between the father/son pairing and the master/apprentice pairing. Finding ways to convey Obi-Wan’s overly critical teaching when compared to Anakin’s brashness, the dynamic between the two is somehow simultaneously endearing and toxic. Lucas also hits the mark in showing that the fall of the Jedi wasn’t Sith scheming; it was the Jedi’s own hubris that eventually topples them. Unfortunately, in two hours and 20 minutes, it’s about all Lucas manages to get right. The slow pacing of the movie, the lengthy time between action scenes, and Lucas’ continued insistence on reminding the audience of Anakin’s childishness makes the film utterly unappealing in almost every possible way. Again, deciding to ratchet up the blue screens and CGIing the movie to oblivion, Lucas strips away any sense of realness to his world. In A New Hope, everything looks dusty, grungy, or just plain ol worn down; paint was stripped off object, there’s wires hanging all over the place, and objects look faded with years of hard use. Here in the prequel trilogy, especially with Attack of the Clones, the soft focus and overuse of blue screen for everything the actors aren’t physically touching is shameful. This lends way to actors having wooden performances, especially Hayden Christensen, the focal point of the film. If it weren’t for John Williams dropping his Across the Stars theme, what I consider to be one of the best pieces of music written for a Star Wars movie, this film would be an utter hopeless mess.

Listen, is Attack of the Clones a good movie? No. But does it help enrich the worldbuilding of the franchise, serve its characters in meaningful ways that advances the story in an entertaining fashion, steering it towards its inevitable end? Also no. Outside of fumbling its way through the Anakin/Padme relationship and convolutedly delivering us clone troopers, you could excise this movie from the franchise (and I heartily encourage you do exactly that) and very little would change. Anakin’s whiny, entitled mewling throughout the film ruins any goodwill built by the previous movie’s look at a sweet, caring kid wanting to do all he could to help strangers. Partly due in fact to horrific writing by Lucas (absolutely his worst) and partly due in fact to Christiansen’s horrible performance (thanks again, George), the main focus of the movie is an unbearable character that broods and creeps his way through scenes. Shoddy direction, continued from The Phantom Menace and on through Revenge of the Sith, combined with Lucas’ obsession with advances in film technology over being present for his actors make Attack of the Clones hands down the worst film in Star Wars history.

Review by Darryl Mansel